The power of validation & “I” statements during conflict resolution
Dealing with conflict, especially with our loved ones or partners, can be challenging. Interactions with the individuals we are closest to often expose our deeper wounds and unmet needs, as they become mirrors for what has yet to be resolved in us. An altercation can lead to feelings of vulnerability, causing us to act from a place of fear or anger, especially when we are trying to get needs met and are not feeling heard.
When activated, our ability for self-control and clear thinking might become fragmented, leading to impulsive reactions or a fight-or-flight response. It may be best during these moments to put up a boundary and take a small break in order to ground yourself and become more clear-minded. This can be a good way to self-preserve and avoid regretful actions. This can also be a good time to reflect on what fears are getting activated, and why. Once you are feeling regulated, organize a time where you and your loved one can address a conversation with no distractions.
We all desire to feel seen and heard. Creating a safe space for you and your loved one to address vulnerable concerns with each other is imperative toward achieving your relational goals. The first step involves leading with validation. Give your loved one space to express, and do your best to not interrupt. You can respond non-verbally by nodding to show them you are actively listening, and once they are done you can inquire if there is anything else they want to address before you speak. Repeat back to them what you heard. Validating their experience and how they feel, whether you agree with it or not (everyone’s reality is subjunctive, therefore, their feelings are what you are validating, not necessarily their actions) diffuses the situation and lets them know you hear them, and you care. You can even ask them if they just want you to listen, or if they want feedback. You are not a mind reader; it is okay to not know exactly what their needs are. By asking, it shows you are mindful of giving them agency and not assuming. Assuming can lead to invalidating their needs or feelings.
I would like to make a point that if your loved one is unable to express themselves in a healthy way, such as name calling or tearing you down in any kind of fashion, it is okay and healthy to incorporate a boundary.
Your needs are just as valid. However, often when we express out of frustration or anger, it can limit how our loved one receives us, defeating the purpose of the acknowledgement we may be seeking. If we start with “you did this” or use blame words, the person we are speaking to might feel attacked, and as a result become defensive or unresponsive. Using “I” statements creates an environment that does not feel as threatening and will more likely allow your loved one to better hear you.
For example, instead of saying “you hurt me when you avoided my call, it is like you don’t care” perhaps you can say, “I felt hurt when my call was not answered, because it triggers a feeling of abandonment. This relationship is special to me, I love you, and I value our calls because it helps me feel close to you.” This approach focuses on your needs rather than on their deficits. It also focuses on an action rather than an assumption of their intention. It highlights why you want the relationship to thrive rather than your disappointment for its downfall. I call this the “strength-over-deficit” approach. You can also add something like, “Help me to understand how I can better respect your boundaries, while simultaneously get my needs met.” This allows room for open discussion, where both individuals can be recognized.
To sum up, the key to healthy conflict resolution involves validation, active listening, and “I” statements. Of course, take this all into consideration while making it your own and finding your style. It is okay to explore different forms of communication that work best for you and your loved ones’ relational needs. Consulting a therapist may further support your process and help you navigate your relational goals.
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